FUCK.

Well excuse the fuck out of me… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. I’m so fucking dumb. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK. I was unaware that this was a fucking free for all. Single = make out with every fucking person in sight. Who the fuck do you think you are. This is ridiculous. I’m so hurt. I feel so dumb. GOD. Me. The one who ended it, I’m the one who can’t make out with my BOYFRIEND because I think of you. Well fuck me, cause apparently you’ve had NO issues making out with every girl you know. FUCK YOU. Wow, you of all fucking people. I can’t believe this. I just want to scream and cry and hit you repeatedly!!!!!!! UGH. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING. WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND. “Oh, Alexa clearly doesn’t love me anymore so I’m going to make out with EVERYONE.” Brenna?! Shiann?! And fucking Kendall?! AWESOME. JUST AWESOME. I was still here. I was right fucking here. Still loving you. You weren’t alone, so you shouldn’t have felt alone. I was RIGHT HERE, LOVING YOU. You have left me in the hardest position. EVER. I feel like I’m being suffocated. I love you so much, and you say you still love me or that you’ll always love me yet you’re making out with all these people. I CAN’T EVEN MAKE OUT WITH MY OWN BOYFRIEND. WE DON’T MAKE OUT. I KISS HIM…THAT’S ABOUT IT. BECAUSE OF YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU. I feel so dumb. It doesn’t hurt that you forget I was still here. It hurts that you promised you never would. You say you know me better than anyone, yet you didn’t see that I was still in love with you?! That I am still in love with you, my heart never went anywhere. “If you love someone let them go and if they come back they’re true and they’re yours forever.” You never came back. You were gone. You are gone. And I don’t think you’re ever coming back.

What the hell do I do.

To the moon and back, my dear.
FUCK.

I feel so fucking alone.

I feel so alone to the point where I feel empty inside. To the point where all I can do is cry my eyes out. I want to be truly happy again. I want to be able to get through the month with out crying my eyes out like 7 times. I would absolutey love Las Vegas if I didn't live with these people. If I didn't have to be around these hypocritical, two faced people that call themselves a family. Its not even just my mother and sean, it nanay and all of her sisters, its cassie the best friend that I NEVER see anymore. If I lived with anyone else out here, a friends, with Christian even ALONE would be better than here with them. They make me want to run far far away and never come back. Christian is the only thing that I can say is real, he's the only thing I can rely on to always be there. He's the reason that I push through. The reason that I suck it up and bite my tongue and keep the bags unpacked. He is my strength. I can't be with him when I need him the most is what kills me. He's all I've got and I feel stranded, abondoned when I can't talk to him or hear his voice or have him hold me. Especially in a time like this. I just want him to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. But he can't do that. He has a life too. He can't always be here for me. Fuck everything. Crying myself to sleep, haven't done that in awhile.

I should invest in an imaginary friend.

A relationship is a two way street..not a bike path and a high way..

I don't know what to do. Its like as we go farther into this relationship, as the months rack up, the fights happen more often. Is this a part of the journey? Is this healthy? Is it supposed to make us stronger? I don't want to lose him. He's all I've got. He may not know this, but he's all I have. Without him I'm just lost and insecure. I can't let anything come between us and I will do anything EVERYTHING I can to keep us together. I need him. I just want him to tell me that he needs me too, cause I love him so much. I over think everything. From how long it takes for him to text back to what the song lyrics that people send to him mean. It worries me how much I love him. It worries me that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. Sometimes I lose my appetite or my sleep because I'm scared I'm going to fuck this up. I stay up all night sometimes just thinking about us, how perfect we are together and hoping we'll stay that way. And thinking about how he could find someone else, someone better, and fall in love with them.

He makes me happier than I ever thought I could even be. And sometimes more scared than I ever thought I could be.

Could you just hold my hand and tell me that everything is forever?

Something I hate about myself.

I hate the fact that I fall in love so easily. Not that I've ever been in love. I mean I'm so quickly head over heels for someone. Because its just so easy for me to open my heart up to people. So easy for me to express my emotions. So easy to let people in. And because of this I get hurt so easily too. It ruins me.

I need to work on that.

My blogs for the next 30 days...

Not counting today ofcourse.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.(letter)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why?

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Tomorrow starts with day 1 :)

Why can't I get you out of my head!?

How can I put into words what I feel?

"I'm terrified of what you'll do. My stomach screams when I look at you."

You see thats how I expect to feel. But I don't. I mean ofcourse I'm scared that he'll break my heart. But I don't know that. I don't want a boyfriend right now, and he doesn't want a girlfriend right now either. So, I guess that works out perfectly. Getting to know him is better than a relationship anyday, I love talking to him and if I could I would spend hours and hours just talking with him :)

But that feelins coming back, the wierd feeling I get in my palms. The feeling I've only had once before. There aren't any butterflies when I'm around him, just smiles. But it's the feeling in my palms that I'm afraid of...I shouldn't look into this it will only make me do something that I'll regret.

I just have to keep faith that God has made the plan and I just need to live it :)

I don't know where to go from here.

I spent all last year trying my hardest to make my way into this certain group of people. Because they were fun people and there was just no drama with them. I didn't have to be anybody but me. I did everything to make friends with them and for them to consider me a friend too. These are the people that I call my best friends. But its a new year and I'm excited to meet new people! Now that I've started to explore the possibility of many new friendships, I haven't seen the friends that I've worked hard to get. I don't want them to feel like I'm leaving them behind for new people. But I also don't want to feel like they're moving on fine with out me. Well now that they are my friends I don't have to work hard anymore. But now that I'm not trying.. I feel like I'm slipping away.

Don't stress it. They're your closest friends.